A Heavenly Happy Ending

11:30 am.

Diary,

I wonder, worry sometimes. Am I slipping into clinical depression?

Don’t be like Anthony Bourdain! 

No one saw it coming when Anthony hanged himself at age 61 in a hotel room in France, while filming a travel episode.

I clearly see Anthony’s fatal mistake – he kept his depression hidden.

And yeah, I can see why he made his early Final Exit.

It seems like he did everything he had wanted to do — and in fact lived a life beyond anything he had remotely dreamed of.

Anthony came across as a regular guy, not a bullshitter.

But in his darkest hour, he must have realized how empty fame and wealth is – when you are suffering in secret.

After Anthony’s suicide, I cannot watch his YT travel videos now without feeling kinda – betrayed.

I can see now, it was all an act – Anthony acting all cheerful and friendly, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

But now I see that Anthony deep inside was a loner battling his demons, like me.

He likely woulda been much happier without a camera in his face all the time, forced to play the role of smart, funny, charismatic traveler exploring the beauty of food, people and life itself.

But it was all a lie.

 

And look at me – so many unexpected crying bouts from unexpected triggers, my mourning so intense and unrelenting.

Come back to me Greenpeace Girl!

Although I’m fully aware of the true source of my suffering, it’s not helping at all.

Long ago I remember reading something I never forgot, in a newspaper advice column written by a sex therapist:

Loneliness is a dangerous deprivation.

My pain so shocking in how it refuses to fade.

Time is not healing me – my hopeless, stabbing despair is still so unrelenting that suicidal thoughts have begun entering my mind now.

But hold on.

Get a grip!

It’s not that I would kill myself yet.

It’s too early for that.

But just having idle thoughts of suicide is what’s really sad to me.

Earth’s Cry Heaven’s Smile

4:30 p.m.

I take a hit of dope in my apartment before leaving for a stoned cruise.

I bicycle through soi 13/1 on my way to Beach Road.

As usual, none of the bargirls or masseuses seem attractive to me – older or plain, overweight, mostly used-looking – and none remotely innocent.

Just as I arrive at the beach, I notice a couple approaching.

My heart aches sadly for what might have been.

The lucky young farang seems to be enjoying the once-common “girlfriend” experience in Pattaya – more exception than the rule nowadays.

I idly take photos of the sun disappearing behind the mountain, and head back.

I bicycle past all the massage parlors with idle ladies sitting outside.

I then slowly cruise past a massage place I’ve been to many times.

A masseuse sees me and says loudly, “Mai here!” pointing to someone sitting near her.

Eh? It’s Mai!

I haven’t seen Mai for nearly 2 months!

I thought maybe she had quit or something.

I stare in pleased shock at Mai as she smiles back.

I hurriedly park my bike nearby and walk back.

Mai rises from her seat as I approach.  About a dozen other masseuses are sitting around, most ignoring us.

I can barely restrain myself from grabbing Mai right then and then.

I just want to smother her with a joyous bear hug.

It’s been such a long time!

But I cannot do this in front of the other ladies, so I have to wait.

Once safely by the lockers in the back room, I hug Mai tightly, repeatedly telling her how happy I am to see her again.

We then ascend the stairway leading to the second-floor massage booths.

I am following behind Mai, and put my hand on the small of her back, not her ass, as I sometimes do.

I want and need to keep touching and feeling Mai, as much as I can.

I’m feeling gleeful, happy.

Surprise surprise!

In fact I was just thinking about Mai recently.

Maybe as they say, there are no coincidences.

But when we reach the top of the stairs, a sudden wave of sadness rises within me.

I was supposed to be doing something like this with Greenpeace Girl – making love to my ultimate dream girl instead of Mai.

Tears begin forming in my eyes, startling me.

I can’t let Mai see them!

Hold it back.

Act cheerful!

I strain to control myself as we enter the dark narrow corridor, flanked by massage booths on each side.

I keep acting cheerful, and avoid eye contact with Mai so she cannot see my eyes clearly.

She leaves the booth to get a small basket of her massage supplies and towels, giving me time to regain my composure.

As soon as Mai closes the curtains, I instantly grab her and hug her tight tight tight – like a python squeezing its prey to death by suffocation.

Oh how I love you to death, my sweet sweet Mai – the way you act like a loving girlfriend to me during our brief times together – just what I need now so badly my love.

After we strip our clothes off, I give Mai another smothering hug with a fully naked body embrace.

Mai begins affectionately stroking my lower back as I desperately try to merge our bodies together  –  wishing I could just hug her like this from here to eternity.

I murmur softly in Mai’s ear while her face is pressed against my chest, “I hug you forever. I never let you go.”

I finally release Mai from my death grip.

I cannot wait any longer and skip the usual showers, even though I’m slightly sweaty and grimy from the bicycle cruise.

I instruct Mai to lie face down on the bed as she obediently complies.

We engage in a familiar ritual, where I massage Mai – not the other way around.

I cannot believe my luck, as I straddle Mai’s body, sitting on her round ass and upper thighs, and tenderly start stroking her back.

I wasn’t expecting this.

It’s like a – gift, I suppose.

So Grateful.

Earth’s Cry – Heaven’s smile.

I begin massaging Mai tenderly, lovingly, and slowly, savoring every second.

I note Mai’s long skinny arms and small hands, and also her rather large butt for her small size.

Mai’s butt has dark discolorations, so her body is not perfect. But no one’s body is.

I have a sad fleeting thought – Greenpeace Girl’s ass would have been so pale and creamy and unblemished and shapely – I would have swooned in delight just looking at it and caressing it and feeling like the happiest man alive.

I alternate between sitting upright while I’m straddling Mai, my soft dick wedged firmly between her ass checks – or else I lie down on her back, stroking her arms from shoulders to fingertips.

Tears keep filling my eyes a few times more.

I’m breathing heavily, continually trying to control myself, stifling the urge to sob audibly.

Can’t let Mai know I’m crying!

It’s not her burden to bear – the sad and lonely old farang.

Meanwhile Mai is lying silently, as always, while I tenderly massage her.

Sometimes I wonder what she’s thinking.

But Mai doesn’t speak any English, so I’ll never really know.

I’m sure Mai must be glad to be getting a massage for a change – instead of her having to massage the customer.

In fact, over the two dozen times I’ve visited Mai, I only asked her once to massage me. She massaged me pretty good too, actually.

But as a dirty grandpa, it’s much more satisfying for me to run my creepy-crawly wrinkly old hands over her young body.

You cannot do this back home in the West!

Mai seems to be totally relaxed while lying under me. She even appeared to be briefly dozing for a while.

Yeah, fine with me.

I just want Mai to feel totally comfortable, and feel pleasure from my lonely, loving caresses.

Whenever I lower myself to lie fully on her, I start softly crooning loving murmurings in Mai’s ear.

“You so beautiful my sexy Mai . . . I so happy to see you again … my sweet Mai . . . you my girlfriend today . . . so sweet. … I love you.”

Even as my heart aches, wishing I could have been saying these things to Greenpeace Girl – triggering more silent tears.

I try to control my heavy loud breathing, hoping Mai doesn’t notice anything unusual in the way I’m struggling to release only shuddering sighs, instead of sobs.

I’m not sure Mai understands anything I’m saying.

But she must know the word “love.”

Still, we both know it’s all acting.

We do not really love each other.

How can we?

We just have this: an unspoken agreement to act like lovers in our fleeting ST encounters.

In fact after the first few massages, I did not bother contacting Mai on LINE to meet.

I would just ride by her shop, and if she was there, I would repeat.

For me, it’s like each session with Mai is so intense, that to repeat it too often would dilute the ecstasy of each reunion.

Let the universe decide when, or if, we meet.

And I will always be grateful to Mai for the LINE messages she sent me – after I told her about my prostate cancer.

Yes, my sweet Mai cared – even as I knew that whatever “relationship” we have exists solely behind the curtains of a cramped massage booth.

I knew Mai had her own loving family unit: At age 20, she has a 3-year-old son!

Mai also has a boyfriend or husband presumably. I once saw him dropping Mai off at work from the back of his motorcycle.

He was a young, husky Thai dude.  A far better match for Mai then a 72-year-old farang grandpa, I daresay.

Although I’ve had happy ending massages with Mai nearly two dozen times, she only works sporadically, so there’s periods when I don’t see her for a month or so.

I suspect Mai saves enough money to live off that for a while, and then returns to work when the money runs out.

Can’t blame her, this small young chick who probably encounters painfully big farang dicks in her sleazy line of work.

I myself feel guilty at how I’m always overcome by lust and pound Mai hard when I fuck her.

Like a callous porn stud – I’m living the sickly perverted Sexpat Porn Dream!

I can tell Mai is very uncomfortable while I’m hammering her small pussy, wincing and gasping, while smiling bravely up at me.

For a small chick she can take dick like a champ, I tell myself.

I think porn has tainted my soul, really.

Nothing in porn is soft and loving.

It’s all sickening fantasy catering to bestial lust — the dark side that lurks in men.

Carl Jung called it the “shadow” self that everyone has.

Like with marijuana and alcohol, I think my life would have been very different had I not been exposed to sickening, brutal porn.

I think I would have been a different kind of man.

I feel regret at wasting the prime of my manhood stumbling through life in a stoned, lonely fog – fucking street hookers when I could afford them – but far more typically just masturbating daily – usually while watching porn.

I would get aroused in sick lust, overwhelming with evil desire to jackhammer fuck all the moaning sluts in videos who act like they’re enjoying it.

Hurts so good baby!

So now my dreadful cancer ordeal has passed – allowing me to live to fuck another day.

And I’m so grateful to Mai for being my love for now – only Now.

It seems like I’ve been massaging Mai for a long time.

At one point I see her looking at the ceiling, as if bored.

I then ask if she wants to give me a handjob.

I’m not sure if I have power, I tell her.

As part of my post-cancer follow-up, for the next two years I have to get hormone injections every three months, to reduce my testosterone level to near zero.

Apparently, any undetected prostate cancer cells feed on testosterone.

But an unwanted side-effect of the hormone shots is diminished sex drive and possible impotence.

So sometimes I just can’t get hard, and almost never ejaculate.

But a 5 or 10 mg dose of Cialis generally allows me to fuck, for now.

Thank god for that!

Mai apparently misunderstands my HJ request, because she sits up beside me, leans over and begins sucking my dick.

Yes, Mai sucks good – efficiently, strongly.

I caress her body as I sit up, running my hands tenderly up her back, her upper butt cheeks. I then move her hair back from her face, so I can watch her sucking my dick.

Yeah, just like in the porn videos.

How does it feel?

It feels … anti-climactic.

The thrill is gone.

This is not really what my heart wants.

I let Mai suck for a while more, then I’ve had enough.

I’m glad my dick stiffened from her sucking.

I have power today – enough to fuck.

As usual, there’s no “foreplay” with me eating pussy or anything like that.

I slip on the rubber, and have Mai keep stroking my dick to keep it hard. I then apply some lube to the condom and get ready to enter her.

“I go slow,” tell Mai, who looks up with a familiar look of apprehension, knowing what’s to come.

No matter what, cause no pain today.

I ease into her pussy slowly, oh so slowly.

I push in up to an inch or so, then stop.

I watch Mai’s face closely, as she’s bracing herself, tense – because she knows the King of Pain is coming.

NO.

Cause no pain!

So I just pause, inch my dick in slowly, and get up to about two-third or three-fourths inside her pussy.

STOP.

Enough.

Not balls-deep as usual. I find that it’s the last half-inch full thrust that really makes chicks gasp and wince in pain.

Just test the tender waters now.

I start pumping slowly, gently.

Cause-no-pain

to my sweet, loving Mai.

But after a few minutes, I feel my dick softening.

I pump a bit harder.

I know I could regain hardness by thrusting stronger and going balls-deep inside her – but I don’t.

So my dick softens, and I just let it be.

Cause no harm or pain to my sweet Mai.

So I just lie there, my deflated dick still inside her pussy.

I tenderly begin stroking Mai’s chest and torso, repeatedly grasping her hands as she reflexively clasps back.

I whisper in her ear, “I so happy to see you again. My sweet Mai, my beautiful Mai. Yes I love you Mai.”

I slowly pull out of her, and lie alongside her, as we turn sideways and embrace like lovers.

After a while, I then sit up, and tenderly keep massaging Mai’s skinny torso, down to her legs all the way to her feet, just glancing over her pussy, sometimes with a teasing sexual touch.

But, don’t go there.

Who knows? Maybe she would dig it.

Finger fuck her? Use sex toys? A vibrating dildo?

SEXUAL ECSTASY?

No.

Not now, not for me.

Just affection, tenderness, being loving.

I’m not sure how much time elapsed.

Mai is idly stroking my limp dick, trying to bring it back to life.

But I finally reluctantly sit up on the mattress and say, “OK if I not finish.”

Mai removes the condom from my dick, and notices no ejaculate.

I just laugh.

Afterwards, Mai lets me take photos and even short videos of her.

She knows the drill. She just looks so damn cute!

Afterwards, I give Mai 2,000 baht.

The normal price is 1,300 baht for a boom-boom massage.

Mai is overjoyed and gratefully hugs me.

Yes, old lonely grandpa, are you happy now?

No, not happy, really.

Just . . . glad and grateful.

So goddamn grateful.

Hello again Mai, my darling.

Oh how I love you! – just for being you.